It could be PMS, or maybe it’s just my pent up feelings as a girl (I don’t know about guys). But there are times in this world that I just feel so screwed up, so stupid and so empty. Maybe it’s a major teenage identity crisis again, but I’ll never forget the dark periods in my life this year and last year when I couldn’t even say that I was alive.
I was seriously like that, during the end-year exam period last year. I didn’t see the purpose of me living and felt like absolute shit, because I had no purpose in life. I was completely absorbed by anime, but even while reading manga I was stricken by guilt because there were ongoing exams, but I continued reading. I just reading on and on. And I couldn’t concentrate while trying to do maths at all. You should have seen my restlessness and my irritation- I would write an essay to myself on why I should not procrastinate JUST TO PROCRASTINATE– writing it was an escape from doing Math. Stupid irony much.
During the exam, I couldn’t concentrate at all and I kept thinking thought like, “Why the hell should I even bother?”, “What am I going to do after all this?” and “Why wasn’t I born a dragon?”. About the dragon one, i’ve been brainwashed so thoroughly since young when I had been brought to the library and read gazillions of fantasy books, that I never really came to accept the fact that I was not a dragon until I was 12. This sounds so screwed lol.
But yeah, that was really how I was (But at least in the end my GPA was okay). I’m super emotional and I cry super easily. I remember crying non-stop this year while doing a project because it was due so soon and I was so scared. I’m like the biggest piece of contradictory shit ever, because I actually want good grades, but I don’t study. And I feel guilty for watching anime and not studying, but I still procrastinate anyway. Like now, I’m writing this post, and there’s a Math exam on Tuesday. Shall rant more later.
I hate how I cry so easily, especially when people scold me. I try to hold back, but nothing ever works. I hate giving them the satisfaction when knowing that they managed to penetrate though and hurt me.
So, in turn, I love picking on people’s weak spots and sarcasm had become a terrible habit although I’ve curbed it now. I guess there’s always an inner demon in me. When anything terrible befalls my friends (once someone’s mac crashed and all her data was lost. Including those for a school project), I feel sad. Or so I say. I actually don’t feel affected at all. Not my problem, anyway. I am a bitch.
So.. yeah. I am a shallow, emotional and unstable girl and anime is my form of escapism. Okay I shouldn’t sound so dull!!!!! Life is actually good now. Shit happens in life, or maybe you’re the shit. But it’s still possible to pursue that tiny bit of happiness if you try to be an optimistic person. Optimism changes everything.