I hadn’t seriously thought about it, but in retrospection I know that what draws me to anime would really be the characters. Some are intrinsically kings of kings with intelligence and strength, ruthlessness and ambition, tenacity and hope; others keep fumbling, despairing and struggling– but essentially they all have a steely resolve and they just keep going. I admire them so much because I want to be them. I want to be able to unflinchingly forge ahead despite the pain; I want to give my all for the goal i’ve been yearning for; I want to unhesitatingly put my life on the line, to bet it all, for myself, my friends, and my world. I think that’s what makes anime so attractive to me.
Of course real life is different, trying hard is painful and we can get lost in the whirlpool of failures. What are dreams when we haven’t seen the world? What superficial goals might we have, with our misconstrued understanding of society? And since it is our ambitions that shape our identity, we keep suffering from the foolish teenage identity crisis and antagonize ourselves over it when what is important is to learn about the very world we live in.
Anime is really a refuge, but there’s always this uneasiness I feel when watching anime and witnessing amazing characters doing great acts because I know that I should be the protagonist of my own life and should try to make it worthwhile. What is it about Lelouch, Revy and Hikigaya that I love so much, why do I find such characters so compelling? Anime characters have such untainted and striking traits. Decisiveness. Fearlessness. Brutal honesty– something I have a severe lack of. It’s hard not to be moved by strong-minded characters who drive the plot, change ways the way they envision it.
I first started this blog for two primary reasons: to share truly lovely anime pictures with whoever stumbled upon this site, and to just rant. To elaborate on the first point, I really didn’t know of any other aniblog then, and I was frustrated that google image only provided mediocre-quality anime pictures like this one.
Seriously! I was rather upset that I couldn’t find any nice pictures easily even though I clearly saw them before, and even manga artists had started drawing worthy bishounen and bishoujo. Hence the gallery in this blog was created– to highlight pictures of a more captivating nature. I really like how anime style is becoming more sophisticated as time goes by.
As for the ranting part, i’ve concealed most of my ugly jealousy and helpless angst-talk because who would want to read such crap. I was really into pitying myself and being a sour grape, and I cared loads about my reputation and how others perceived me. More reasons to admire frank characters like Hikigaya who would rather be themselves and get hated then be pretentious. While anything can be a reflection of life, some of anime really force you to reflect on yourself.
Anyways i’m really thankful to have been exposed to the larger and wiser community and i’m really glad to have written a blog– it matters not that i’m an unknown aniblogger, writing has forced me to think about issues pertaining to anime and has helped me straightened out many internal conflicts. I’ve been through many phases with this blog. There was a time of obsession, when I was trying to decipher reasons for my huge attraction to anime. Then a period came where I confided that I couldn’t share this otaku secret with anyone, because really, I was ashamed of this hobby. Then I was indignant and asserted that anime is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just others’ judgement that anime was childish, an inferior interest, that made me reluctant about it. I did have an identity crisis as an otaku too, and had to ensure that anime was indeed a worthy hobby cos i’m elitist and all (just insecure and needing a reason to continue procrastinating). But I was still lost. I guess the gold in anime only comes to those who look hard for it, like the Altair and Vega people who search for real insights while watching anime.
Or maybe I started aniblogging because I was lonely. I had too many pent-up feelings on anime and manga that I couldn’t share with my friends, so I spilt all my thoughts here. Regardless, this is a journey i’ve enjoyed. Anime is endearing, Japanese has become endearing, and with it all the tropes, archetypes, art and animation style, and the OPs and EDs with their beautiful figurative lyrics have all become so close to heart. And that’s why I need to break away from this alluring, but secondary comfort zone.
But I need to confess: I can be a very obsessive person. Once I get addicted to something, I don’t stop until i’m finished and satisfied. Years ago, even during a school week, I marathoned D Gray Man until I completed the 100 odd episodes of it. Because sleep is for the weak, right? And I didn’t even stop devouring manga during the final examination period. You can expect me to get pissed off with uncompleted series and just huffing and puffing while waiting till the next release– so I just need to say that I need to prioritize. Because what’s the point of watching anime and getting inspired if you don’t live your life properly? This is my one life that I can do something about. I’ve been lingering for way too long in the anime world when the truest life I have is right in front of me to grasp. Like all those RPGs where you carefully add stat points to your character, why not work to add them to yourself instead? Honing intelligence starts with homework. Terrible analogy, wasn’t that? But I do need to detach myself and stop being dazzled by brilliant characters and their brilliant lives. I need to improve on my own instead.
Therefore I saw a need for a goodbye post. I won’t be gone completely but i’ll take things real slow. I’d really like to thank the nice regulars here :) Do move on!
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you lived so cautiously you might as well not have lived at all– in which case, you fail by default.
It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
J.K Rowling understands. I honestly do not intend for this post to be preachy in any way and i’m sorry if I sound that way. Anime is good, i’m just a little abnormal.