(Not related to anime) (no shit, personal post, rather than expert advice)
Reading through my previous posts, it’s evident how much of a stout, idealistic, inexperienced keyboard feminist I was. I valued the idea of freedom, relishing thoughts of solo backpacking and travelling to every place that interested me so that I could throw myself into nature and the wilderness. More than physical liberty, I delighted in being sovereign over my feelings and mind– typical stuff you know, the pinnacle of beliefs in empowerment of the self– where I would independently take charge of situations and work towards all my goals because I was alone in this, and would have to sustain myself. Such conceptualizations were vivid in my mind, and there was just a simple desire to live by my own means and to enjoy everything that the world had to offer.
Falling in love changed many things.
Give me all the cliche phrases– being in love is like a plunge into darkness, it’s madness, it’s like quicksand? Google ain’t helping much, but I realised that so many trite stereotypes of love that I once derided and scoffed at are accurate. And slowly anyway, the desires that I had in mind changed. Rather than abstract enjoyments of adventure and experience, of not considering what anyone would think of me, all I wanted was to settle down with this man and do everything and anything with him together, to give and receive this uncontainable bursting love that I had. The independence and self-sustaining principles of mine evaporated away, giving way to scary feelings of raw vulnerability and a complete lack of control. I love him so much, which is why I want to be in synch with and understand him in all ways, and i’d give up my individuality without hesitation in trying to merge our perspectives and ways of life. He has become a part of me that is so important, but this importance can become dangerous because ultimately he is an entirely different entity and there are many things I cannot change with sheer will on my part.
Anyway yeah shame on me, I give up my lame self-proclaimed feminist association because really, I have become quite dependant on love. Equal rights and expectations? All I want is to hold his hand tightly and always be together with him, other priorities are secondary now. Take charge, and I will follow (goodbye pride). Putting everything into a relationship obviously makes me extremely susceptible though, and that’s where it’s so fucking scary, and there’s nothing worse than being someone like me who attaches significance to minute details. Literature, I blame you. But while it’s not realistic to do so, is it wrong to think in advance, to want to be courted and asked out for prom night, to be missed and not taken for granted, to resolve any conflict immediately and be assured that we are going to be okay, or to desire to be put first, no matter what? I’d do it, but I have no control over the feelings of my partner. The whole issue of being the one who might love more is so fucking scary and sad, but it’s one that I won’t venture into for now.
Love is… a roller coaster indeed. But going in line with cliche quotes, falling in love is easy, but staying in love is special. You’re really precious to me and I’ve told you many times, but I want to live a life with you, which is why i’m so uptight and serious about many things. I really am more prone to jokes about flirting because no one can deny that you used to be a player, and anyone would dislike such a quality in a partner, right? I’m not great, either. I’m fucking terrible. I cry a lot, I try to make you accommodate and see things the way I do, and there’s a lot that I desire (not expect) from you, that perhaps are not in your nature to do. I am demanding. And ironically, painfully ironically, in the process of demanding your love, I always end up pushing you further away.
I am confused man.
Anyway small interjection, FUCK what has passingotaku become i’m sorry guys no more anime posts i’m restricting myself from it honestly I have no time for it and false hope man, makes me live vicariously. Most manga romances are unrealistic and root unhealthy seeds of unattainable expectations too, by the way. Yeah even everyone’s all time favourite Dengeki Daisy. Also I got this comment on the Mikasa post (whose comment section I really really love) and I thought it was hilarious so here it is:
I’m not upset, are you upset?
I love you, do you love me too?
Sigh, I did warn that this was going to be a trite subject, trite content, but the feelings behind these are truly real to me. Tip of the iceberg, man.